


Letters From Vietnam

by soraxtsuna123



Series: The Outsiders Requests [5]
Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Hurt, Isolation, Johnny and Dally are dead, Letters, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Neglect, Ponyboy Curtis Centric, Post church fire, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Tears will be shed, Triggers, Vietnam War, lonely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25555381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soraxtsuna123/pseuds/soraxtsuna123
Summary: When Soda was drafted to fight in the Vietnam War, he started to send letters back and forth with Ponyboy. One day, the wrong letter was sent to Ponyboy, causing the younger brother to spiral into depression.
Relationships: Ponyboy Curtis & Sodapop Curtis
Series: The Outsiders Requests [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1821424
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	Letters From Vietnam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Night Ninja](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Night+Ninja).



> Request by The Night Ninja from FFN.
> 
> No requests on this platform.
> 
> This story does not show an accurate interpretation of the Vietnam War and does not have PTSD which is common for soldiers.

It has been years since the beginning of the Vietnam War and many long months since Soda had been drafted to fight in it. Out of everybody in the gang, he was the only person that was drafted. As of yet, anyway. Everybody missed him, but nobody missed him more than his younger brother, Ponyboy. He yearned for Soda to return home alive and in one piece. The only thing that reassured him that he was alright were the letters that were sent a couple of times a month. The two brothers had been writing letters back and forth, writing about everything that they could think about. These letters were the only thing that had been keeping them in check and getting them through the tough times.

Ponyboy didn't know what he was going to do if the letters stopped coming. He never received any news on Soda or the platoon that he was in. He was only able to imagine that the worse was happening from the broadcast of the war on television. So, the letters gave him relief to know that the broadcasts almost never involved Soda himself. But it still made him worry because anything could happen, and he wouldn't know about it until much later. If the letters stopped, it would probably mean that Soda was dead and Ponyboy didn't ever want to think about that. It couldn't happen. Not Soda. Not his brother.

As a result, Pony became very reliant on the letters for his mental state. They helped him cope and brought some happiness in his life that he hadn't felt in a long time.

It had been very different after Johnny and Dally had passed away. Even more so after Soda was drafted. A lot of things had changed. The once noisy and homey house that was almost always filled with friends and family was now practically empty. Loud music no longer boomed inside, there was no more laughter, or Mickey Mouse playing on TV. The house didn't feel like home anymore because nobody was there. What was once a place of comfort now felt like a stranger to Ponyboy. The people were what made it his house but now nobody was there to fill it.

Two-Bit was hired for a job that took up most of his time. When he wasn't working, he was either sleeping or partying. He didn't have enough time in his day to hang out with Ponyboy. He had other friends now that Ponyboy believed were closer to him. Two-Bit was his closest friend after Johnny, but now he didn't think that at all. He was still friends with him. That didn't change. But, if it came down to Two-Bit picking to either spend time with him or one of his other friends, he knew that he would choose them over him.

To add to that, Steve wasn't around anymore. Why would he be? There was no point for Steve to be at the house anymore now that Soda was gone. Like hell would he spend more time than necessary with Ponyboy. Soda had asked about what he was doing these days, but Ponyboy was never able to answer him. However, he knew enough to know that Steve was extremely worried about Soda. That was about it though, since Ponyboy never held a conversation with him after Soda left.

Darry went through the biggest change. He had a family now, although he wasn't married yet. It had started after he had used a faulty condom. When his girlfriend got pregnant, he made the decision of not abandoning her to become a single mother. She recently gave birth to a son. His girlfriend even asked him to move in with her, but he had yet to do so. Even though they were dating and had a kid, Darry still lived with Ponyboy in their old, rickety house to take care of him. They had offered Ponyboy to move in at her place to make things easier, but he didn't want to, much to his brother's annoyance. Their house was the one that Soda needed to come back to. He couldn't just abandon it even if it meant that it was mostly just him at the house. So, it was just him and the letters now.

Ponyboy gently placed his newest letter in the mailbox, closing the lid. He moved the flag to be pointing upwards so that it would be picked up by the mailman. Once he had finished doing that, he smiled, thinking about what Soda was going to write next. Whatever it was going to be, he was sure that it would make him laugh or grin. They always did. He went back inside the house to do something that would occupy him until he would be able to read Soda's next letter.

* * *

* * *

Soda smiled excitedly when a letter was handed to him. He didn't have to look at who the sender was to know that it was from Ponyboy. Once it was placed into his hands, he impatiently ripped it open like an excited little kid. He sat down on his bed, smoothing out the letter that was inside. The letter was long, but that was too be expected if it was coming from Ponyboy. If it was short, it just wouldn't be him at all.

He soaked up all of the words. He didn't want to miss anything. "What? Darry's kid finally said his first word?" Soda chuckled, catching the attention of one of his comrades.

"Is it another letter from your brother?" his comrade asked, pulling out a blank sheet of paper to write his own letter. Soda nodded. "He sure writes to you a lot. You would think that he would run out of things to write about."

"He always has something to write about. His give me strength."

His comrade hummed as he watched Soda pull out a fresh sheet of paper and a pencil. "Are you going to write back to him now?"

"What else am I going to do? I bet he wants to hear all about my day. What about you?"

"I'm going to write to my ex-girlfriend."

That shocked Soda enough for him to stop writing. "Why are you writing to your ex-girlfriend?"

The other soldier jammed his thumb towards a box that was filled with unopened letters that still needed to be thrown out. "She keeps sending letters like an obsessed stalker. I don't want her to keep trying to contact me so I'm going to send a letter to her to tell her to stop."

"Oh, alright."

The two of them fell silent after that, scribbling away on their paper. Soda wrote about how he missed eating at home and how his rations all tasted like cardboard. He wrote about the game of poker that he had played with his platoon and how he would have won if someone didn't see him slip a card away in his shoe. Once he had finished writing everything down, he folded up the paper.

Soda glanced back to the comrade that he was talking to previously, finding that he was searching for an envelope.

"Do you want an envelope?" Soda asked, pulling out two.

The soldier nodded, grabbing one of them. "Thanks," he said.

"What did you say to her?"

"Oh. Take a look." The soldier handed Soda the letter. It was short—only a few sentences long. It talked about how he thought that she was annoying and told her that she needed to stop writing to him. It also told her that the world would be a better place without her.

"That's a bit too harsh, isn't it?"

His comrade shrugged, taking back the note and folding it up. "Yeah, but it was the only thing that I could think of that would get through her thick skull."

They put the letters in the unaddressed envelopes. But right when they did that, rapid gunshots boomed nearby.

"We're under attack!" someone screamed, causing the two comrades to jump out of their skin. It didn't matter how long they have been on the battlefield. They would never get used to the sound of war.

The letters slipped out of their hands as they grabbed their guns. Soda should have written the letter after this. It would be something new to talk about with Ponyboy. But only if he made it out alive. He hoped that he would. He ran out with his platoon, letter settling down next to his comrades under a bed.

When Soda safely returned, the threat now gone, he instantly went back to sending the letter. However, it was nowhere to be found.

"Where could it have gone?" he mumbled to himself as he looked around for it. He eventually sank down on his knees to check under the bed. As soon as stood on his knees, he saw the corner of a letter. He sighed in relief. "There it is!"

He picked it up and stood back up to do the final touches. He didn't notice the other letter that was under his bed.

* * *

* * *

"Ponyboy! Letter!" Darry announced one day. "It's from Soda!"

At those words, Ponyboy scrambled out of his room, sketchbook quickly forgotten about. He went to grab it out of Darry's hand but before he could do that, his older brother held the letter higher. Pony's fingers brushed passed it and he had to skid to a stop to prevent himself from running straight into a wall.

"Slow down, speedster. You don't need to be going that fast," Darry joked, a small smile twisting the corners of his mouth slightly upwards. "You're going to get a speeding ticket one of these days."

Darry handed Ponyboy the letter who took it gratefully.

"I want to know what he writes about," Darry declared.

"Let me read it first," Ponyboy said. He returned back to his room, sitting back at his desk. He quickly opened the letter, eager to know what was written down. It was short, which was odd. Why would the letter be short? He peered at it, noticing another thing that was off. The handwriting was different. But the envelope said that it was from him. Maybe he was in a rush when he wrote the letter. But why would he be rushing? There was one way to find out.

He started to read the letter. What was written caused his smile to fall off of his face.

…

_Stop sending me letters. I'm sick of it. You keep writing to me, but I don't want to hear from you. It's overwhelming me and I just can't do it anymore. I'm going through a hard time right now and you're not making it any easier. You're making it harder. It's annoying. Your entire existence is a pain in everybody's side. I don't understand why some people can even tolerate you. I sure can't. You make me and everybody around you miserable. I hate you for that. I wouldn't even care if you ended up dead somewhere. In fact, the world would be a better place without you in it. So why don't you make everyone happy for once?_

…

Droplets of tears fell onto the paper, causing some of the words to become smudged. He hadn't realized that he had started crying while he was reading the letter. His hands trembled as he tightly gripped the paper with so much pressure that that parts of it started to become crumpled. There was a pang in his chest as he felt everything crash down around him. The pain that he felt was intense—the most pain that he had ever felt. It hurt. It hurt more than being pummeled by Socs and even when he had lost Johnny and Dally.

This couldn't be right… It just couldn't be. Soda wouldn't ever write this to him. There was no way.

But it had to be true. There was written proof right in front of him.

Sodapop Curtis hated him.

What did he do? Ponyboy couldn't help but try to come up with some sort of explanation on why Soda hated him, but nothing came up. He didn't think he did anything wrong. But maybe that wasn't the problem. What if Soda hated him this entire time? What if he had been lying to Ponyboy his entire life? He always told him how much he loved him… but that was a lie… Had everything been a lie?

Soda hated him.

The sentence didn't seem right at all. 'Soda' and 'hate' didn't go together.

No! It couldn't be true! Soda was only kidding! That had to be it!

He needed answers.

Ponyboy picked up his pencil to write another letter, but he stopped right when the graphite tip touched the page.

That's right… Soda hated that he wrote to him. He was annoyed with him sending letters.

Pony dropped the pencil, but it didn't matter if he failed to write. With how badly his hands were shaking, he wouldn't be able to write anyways.

He dug his face into his palm, sobbing as quietly as he could. Soda was the only person that was keeping him sane. He was what kept him tethered down. Although he was still alive, it felt like he had lost him. Soda wanted nothing to do with him. He wouldn't care if he died.

Suddenly, the door opened and Ponyboy turned away just in time. Darry poked his head through the door. "Hey, what did he say?" Darry asked curiously.

"Oh," Ponyboy started, feeling his voice waver a bit. He wanted Darry to go away so that he could continue to cry. "He… um… He said that he was doing okay and that he was excited about seeing your kid when he returns home."

He had to lie. He didn't want anybody to read the letter.

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it."

 _Please, get out, Darry,_ Ponyboy pleaded.

"Can I read the letter?"

Ponyboy rapidly shook his head even though Darry couldn't see his face. "No… It's really personal to me specifically. I don't want you to read it if that's okay…"

"Okay…" Darry sounded annoyed and Ponyboy became rigid. He remembered the note telling him that he was annoying. It was true. The letter was telling the truth. He was annoying Darry right now.

"I'm sorry…" he squeaked, cursing himself for sounding weak.

Darry left the room moments later and Ponyboy breathed out in relief. The letter was right. He made everybody miserable… Maybe the world would be a better place without him…

* * *

* * *

Ponyboy was never the same after that day. Just like how everyone around him had changed, he did as well. But, while everyone else was still recognizable, he was not. If it wasn't for the fact that he still had some physical similarities, nobody would be able to recognize him based on his personality.

Light no longer shone from his eyes as it used too. His innocent glow had dimmed tremendously. Ponyboy was always exhausted, causing him to have very little energy. He practically dragged himself through each day. He no longer laughed or smiled like he used to. He no longer did anything as well. How could he? Everything that he used to love didn't interest him as much anymore or he just didn't have the motivation to do it. For the most part though, Ponyboy never felt happy. He just felt empty. Ponyboy was practically a porcelain doll that was just waiting to fall over and shatter.

Nobody liked him. That was a fact that he painfully found out about, and it showed.

"Hey, Ponyboy," Two-Bit once greeted.

Ponyboy gave him a strained smile. He should be happy that Two-Bit was there, but Soda's note was still freshly ingrained in his mind. It made him question everything. Did Two-Bit not like him as well? A part of him already knew that he didn't, but another part was still hopeful. "Hey, Two-Bit," he replied. "What are you doing here?"

Two-Bit grinned, laughing. "It sounds like you don't want me here!"

He was joking, but Pony couldn't help but cringe. "No… It's just that… you're never here anymore."

The older greaser hummed. "Or am I always here and you just haven't noticed me?"

"I would definitely know if you were here or not. You're not very quiet. You literally slam the door every single time that you're here."

"That's just my way to make you create an expectation about me. It allows me access to sneak in whenever I want to."

"I mean, you don't have to sneak in. The door is always open." Two-Bit always had a way to make the atmosphere lighter. For a moment, Ponyboy thought that he was an exception to what the letter had said. The younger greaser sighed out in relief. "It's really nice talking to you again."

"Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Do…" Ponyboy hesitated. He didn't know how Two-Bit would react to him suggesting for them to do something together, but he hoped that the content of the letter was overexaggerating. "Do you want to hang out today?"

Ponyboy had high hopes, desperately wanting things to be like old times. However, everything came crashing down when Two-Bit shook his head. "I'm really busy right now," he replied.

"Oh, okay." Pony tried his best to hide his disappointment.

At that moment, Steve strolled inside the house, looking distracted. He looked up, noticing the two, before nodding his head in a greeting. "Hey, Two-Bit," he started. "I was looking for you. There's a party later tonight."

Two-Bit perked up at those words, looking excited. "You don't even have to ask. I'm in," he agreed, a huge smile blooming on his face.

Seriously? Ponyboy gaped as he stared at Two-Bit incredulously. He just asked if Two-Bit was free and he said that that he wasn't. But now he had said that he was free when Steve asked. What gives? Did Two-Bit not want to spend time with him? Was he not fun to be around? He felt a pang in his chest. He felt hurt but also betrayed. The letter was right, there was no doubt about it now. Everybody hated him.

 _You make everybody miserable. You're a pain in everybody's side,_ a voice boomed in his head, causing him to clench his teeth. He hated it. He hated it all. He didn't want to feel like this. He just wanted everything to be like how it used to be.

"No kids allowed," Steve added, staring straight at Ponyboy. "So, you better not try to tag along like you always do."

"I didn't want to go anyway," Ponyboy stated, a bitter taste on his tongue.

"Good, nobody wanted you."

There was another pang, heart feeling like it was being crushed again. His hands curled up into fists. He shouldn't be getting so agitated over Steve's words, but he was. He just couldn't help it. He was just so angry at everything; at life. "Screw you, Steve."

"Hey, watch your attitude and mouth!" snapped Darry's voice. He marched in the living room, hands on his hips. Great, the entire posse was there now. "Why are you behaving this way?"

Steve stepped in. "He's just mad that he can't go to a party," he answered. That wasn't it at all!

"No!" Ponyboy objected.

"Ponyboy, you can't go to a party. Especially when you're acting so much like a child," Darry declared.

"I don't want to go! How many times do I have to say that?"

"Stop lying," Steve retaliated.

Ponyboy wanted to scream. He couldn't take it anymore. Why couldn't they listen to him? "Oh, just forget it!"

The youngest greaser stormed away to his room, slamming the door shut. He knew that Darry was probably going to scold him about that later, but that was the last thing on his mind. He ran his fingers through his greasy hair, taking large, shuttering breaths. He needed to calm down. He was only proving them right.

He took another deep breath. He had to go back out there and face them again. As much as he didn't want to, it was the best option for him.

When Ponyboy finally calmed down, he opened his door, feeling sick to his stomach. He was about to return to the living room when he heard the three of them talk to each other. He froze in his spot, not able to help himself from eavesdropping when he realized that they were talking about him.

"Man, he's such a brat," Steve complained. "He needs to stop getting in the way of everything."

"He doesn't really have any friends besides us," Two-Bit brought up. "He can't help but hang around us."

"He would have had friends if he wasn't so annoying!"

Annoying… That's right… he was annoying. Soda thought so too. But what was he doing wrong?

"He just never grows up. I wish that he would. It's hard to take care of him. He's so selfish and he needs to learn not to be. I'm basically raising two kids now because of him and it's causing me to not be able to spend time with my other family," Darry complained. "I can't stand him."

"It's hard for me too sometimes," Two-Bit agreed.

Ponyboy felt hot tears start falling from his eyes. His heart was being clenched so tightly now that it felt like he was going to die. Reading the insults was one thing but hearing it out loud was another. They really thought that about him…

"He needs to understand that Soda was someone close to you… your best friend. You're dealing with a lot while he's fighting in the war. He shouldn't be behaving so selfishly," Darry said to Steve.

But Soda was Ponyboy's best friend and brother. He knew Soda his entire life. And it wasn't like Steve lost him like he had. On top of that, Ponyboy was abandoned by the rest of the gang as well. They used to all walk together, shining a bright light that would help them find their way through the darkness. Now, however, they had left him behind to be consumed by the shadows. The worst part of it all was that while he was disappearing, they never noticed a thing.

The three of them continued to talk to each other but Ponyboy couldn't take listening to them anymore. He closed the door again, falling down it. His breaths were coming out in short, quick bursts, making it feel like he was suffocating. With shaking hands, he started to dig his nails into his arms. It hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as his chest. Ponyboy whimpered, keeping his mouth as tightly shut as he could. He didn't want to annoy the gang anymore than he already did.

They all hated him. They didn't want him around.

He was alone.

He didn't want to be alone. Ponyboy wanted _someone_ to love him. But who could love him? In the end, he was always going to be a nuisance.

It was all his fault. If he wasn't like this, they would still be by his side. They would have noticed that he was being left behind.

_They don't want you around. You would be better off gone._

No.

_Nobody likes you._

He wanted everything to stop.

_Johnny and Dally didn't like you either._

Ponyboy's eyes glazed over, feeling a numbness wash over him. He couldn't take it anymore. He just wanted to die and make everyone happy. At least, if he were gone, he would be able to make the gang happy again and he would stop being hurt.

But the problem was… he was scared of dying.

* * *

* * *

No more letters came in the mail for the rest of his service. At first, Soda was confused and worried. Why wasn't Ponyboy writing to him? Did he grow tired of it? Did he not want to do it anymore? Soda needed the letters and Ponyboy knew that. He wouldn't be cold enough to stop writing to him, would he?

When he continued to receive no letters, he started to feel bitter towards Ponyboy. He was sure of it. Ponyboy didn't want to continue talking to him. Soda didn't know what he did to cause him to pull such a cold move on him, but he was pissed. He almost never felt mad. Frustrated, maybe. But almost never angry. That is why he was a bit nervous to return home.

He should have been happy—ecstatic even. But he wasn't. How could he feel one hundred percent excited to return home when someone probably didn't want him to come back?

He repositioned his bag on his shoulder as he walked towards the payphone. After he inserted some coins in the machine, he pressed the speaker to his ear, waiting for someone to pick up. He just hoped that it wasn't Ponyboy.

" _Hello?"_ came Darry's voice.

"Hey, Darry. Remember me?" he asked, a smile forming on his face. Man, it had been forever since he had last heard his voice.

There was a pause before Darry's voice came out much louder. _"Soda?"_

"Who else would it be?"

" _I… I just can't believe that it's actually you!"_

"I can't either. But, listen, I'm at the airport right now. I'm coming home."

" _You're…"_ Darry swallowed. _"You're finally coming home?"_

There was so much excitement in Darry's voice that Soda laughed. It was so good to hear his voice again. "Yeah, I am."

The two of them talked for a bit more before hanging up. At the house, after the phone call from the airport, Darry was practically buzzing with excitement and relief. Soda was on his way home. He was alright and he wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon. He picked up the phone again, calling Steve and Two-Bit to tell them about the news. They had reacted very similarly to how he did—all ecstatic and all. Soon, everything was going to get better for them.

Meanwhile, Ponyboy had heard Darry's side of the phone call from his bedroom. He couldn't help but release a sigh. Soda was coming back home, and he didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. In a morbid way, he had hoped that Soda wouldn't return home. Don't get him wrong, Ponyboy didn't want Soda to die. He wouldn't wish death upon anybody. He just didn't want to face Soda. Reading the letter was one thing, but visually seeing him hate him was another.

On his bed, Ponyboy flopped over onto his other side. He had been staying in his room all summer. It was the only place that he felt like he could hide from being hurt and to avoid bothering anyone. However, no matter what he did, or where he hid, he always seemed to annoy the people around him. But, sometimes, being in his room boring. Nothing seemed to interest him anymore. He tried drawing pictures or reading books… but those activities weren't appealing to him anymore. Nothing made him happy anymore. He didn't think that he could recognize the feeling anymore—it's been that long.

Pony felt hollow like a doll. He no longer smiled or had light in his eyes. He also lost his appetite for either the annoyance or the relief of Darry. He could never tell which. He knew that Darry liked to save money for his new family. Ponyboy also believed that Darry liked to spend less time with him. However, he also knew that his older brother was annoyed that Ponyboy wasn't "appreciating" his hard work.

He didn't want to live anymore, but Ponyboy was scared of dying. If life went his way, he would have stopped existing in a way that didn't result in death. The closest way for him to do that was to just disappear and slowly fade away in his room. Nobody seemed to care about his absence or even notice anyway.

Less than an hour later, he heard the door to the house open. "Guess who?" came Soda's voice, bright and cheery like how he remembered it to be. Cheers erupted from the living room. Before Soda arrived, the gang came by to see him. Even Darry's girlfriend and kid came.

"You're back!" Two-Bit exclaimed, shooting up from the sofa. He wrapped an arm around Soda's shoulders, laughing. He couldn't stop laughing, a huge smile plastered on his face.

"Two-Bit! I'm so glad to see you again."

Two-Bit pulled away only to be replaced by Steve. Steve hugged his best friend tightly and longingly.

"Welcome back!" Steve greeted, a smile on his face as well. He missed Soda so much while he was gone, and now, he was back. He returned in one piece. "I missed you, man."

They pulled away and Soda could finally look at Steve's face. His eyes gleamed with tears, although nothing was falling. Soda knew that him being absent for so long without any of them knowing if he was alive or not was going to take an emotional toll on all of them. It was still strange seeing Steve this emotional. The last time that he had seen him like this was when they were kids. He must have really missed him. Soda missed him as well. He placed his hands on his friend's shoulders. "Enough of that. You're going to make me cry as well," Soda cooed, tearing up.

"Is Steve crying?" Two-Bit teased.

Steve playfully glared at Two-Bit. "Do you see tears falling from my eyes?" he asked. "I'm not crying. Besides, you're the one who is."

And Two-Bit was. He chuckled, hugging the two of them in a bear hug. They eventually pulled away and Soda turned to Darry who was impatiently waiting for his turn.

"I'm so glad that you're back," Darry said, hugging his brother tightly to make sure that this wasn't a dream. He ran his hands through Soda's buzzcut and laughed. "Your tuff hair. It's gone."

"It'll grow back in no time," Soda responded.

"It better. You look funny like this."

The three of them started laughing and Darry took a step back, motioning for his girlfriend and child to step forward. She smiled gently and Soda's face brightened up. He loomed over the child in the woman's arms. "And this must be the little sucker that I heard about! Darry, he looks just like you," he pointed out.

"What a nightmare that would be," Two-Bit teased. "It's hard enough to look at this Darry here."

Darry whacked the back of his head. "You say that again and I'll make sure that nobody will be able to look at your face," he huffed.

At the laughter, Ponyboy left his room to see Soda by the front door, clad in his uniform. His heart clenched painfully tight when they made eye contact. He didn't want them to talk to each other. He was better off disappearing back in his room. Soda didn't want to see him anyway. Ponyboy turned away to go back, and as he almost escaped back to his room, but before he could do that, Darry stopped him.

"Ponyboy get back over here!" Darry yelled. "Soda's back!"

Crap…

Ponyboy turned back to everyone, and instantly, the atmosphere grew tense. Nobody moved while the two brothers stared at each other in the eyes. It was hard to do so. Looking at Soda hurt. But he had to stay calm. He couldn't freak out in front of them. Ponyboy's eyes were blank eyes, knowing that his brother was going to treat him coldly. However, Soda took it as a confirmation of him not wanting anything to do with him. He glared at Pony, sending shivers down the boy's spine. Ponyboy had never seen that look on his face before.

"Welcome back," he said, not moving forward to hug his brother like everyone else did. The gang looked at the two back and forth in confusion. Out of everyone there, they had expected Ponyboy to be the most emotional and to be the one that was all over Soda. They were so close, but the two of them looked like they wanted nothing to do with each other. "I'm going to go back to my room now."

"Hold it!" Darry hollered. He was clenching his teeth, angry that Ponyboy was behaving that way. "Ponyboy! Don't give us this attitude! Soda's back and you're treating him like he would be better off dead."

He flinched. No… Ponyboy should be the one dead… not him…

"It's alright, Darry. Let him leave. I don't care," Soda growled, shocking everyone. Soda never acted like that. Especially to Ponyboy. But, then again, Ponyboy was acting peculiarly too. What happened between the two?

_He hates you. You wants you gone._

"What are you still doing here?!" Soda screamed. "Go!"

Ponyboy felt his heart in his throat. He couldn't take being near him anymore. He spun around on his heels and hurried away to his room, shutting the door behind him. Ponyboy jumped on his bed—the only belonging that was keeping him comfort—and pressed his face in his pillows. Right as he did that, he broke down in tears.

It hurt again. He didn't want it to hurt.

Why did Soda have to come home today? Now the gang probably hated him even more.

He just wanted it all to end. He couldn't stand this for much more.

* * *

* * *

Later, it was time for everybody to eat. Ponyboy could smell it from his room. A knock on his door made him jump.

"Ponyboy. Food," Two-Bit informed from the other side of the door. With a sigh, Ponyboy sat up. He wasn't hungry but he didn't want the gang to be upset with his absence. He already did enough damage already.

Ponyboy trudged to the kitchen where everybody was already eating. He grabbed a plate before putting as little food as possible on it without seeming suspicious that he didn't want to eat. He sat down next to Two-Bit, who was scarfing down his food. Ponyboy, on the other hand, started to pick at his potatoes with his fork. He took a small bite, swallowing it down. The food was flavorless…

"Can you pass the pepper?" he asked, interrupting the conversation that was being held at the table. However, the closest person to the pepper was Soda. Ponyboy instantly regretted asking for it.

"Why don't you just do it yourself?" Soda snapped, glowering at him. Ponyboy stopped eating, staring holes into his food. It was a mistake to come out and eat. All he did was ask for the pepper…

"Sorry…"

But Soda wasn't finished. He stood up, slamming his hands on the table. "And while you're at that, why don't you just stop talking to me?"

The younger brother shrank back. Stop talking? Was that what he wanted? Was that all it took for them to like him more?

"Okay… Sorry…" he whimpered.

"I'm not hungry anymore." Soda grabbed his plate, purposefully running into Ponyboy's chair along the way to the sink, before placing it inside. Ponyboy gripped his fork tightly, repositioning his chair. His plate started to become blurry from his tears that were forming in his eyes. Christ, he was pathetic.

_Annoying crybaby._

Darry's child suddenly started to cry, snapping everyone's attention to them. Darry groaned, bending over to calm them down. "Now look at what you did, Ponyboy," he hissed.

"Great job," Steve said sarcastically. He stood up as well, walking away from the table to talk to Soda.

"You didn't have to act that way…" Two-Bit stated. Ponyboy was squeezing his fork so tightly now that it felt like it was going to start bending.

Ponyboy felt sick to his stomach. Even though he only ate a bite of food that day, he felt like he was going to throw up. He swallowed thickly, placing the fork down. He pushed away from the table, feeling like he was going to break down at any moment.

"Are you not eating?" Darry growled. "You're seriously ungrateful. Do you know how much work I put into this?"

"I-I'm…" His voice was shaking badly, vision so blurry now. "I'm sorry… I can't eat right now. I don't feel so good."

_Get away. They don't want you there!_

The voice was so loud, and it was tempting. His breathing started to become faster, the world spinning around him. He had to get away. If he stayed, then they would become even angrier and he couldn't have that.

' _Please, don't get angry. Please…'_ he begged.

"Ponyboy?" Two-Bit started, but his voice sounded a thousand miles away.

He needed to go. He was going to break soon.

"Ponyboy?" came his voice again, but Ponyboy hurriedly ran out of the kitchen, not even caring that he left the plate at the table. He just had to get away.

While on his way to his room, however, Soda stopped him. He jabbed his finger into Ponyboy's chest. "I don't want to sleep in the same room as you. You make me angry every single time I look at you and I don't want to deal with that," he said and Ponyboy nodded, looking down at his feet.

"Sorry…" he whimpered, feeling hollow inside. He entered his old room, letting his tears fall. He curled up in a ball near the door.

_You would be better off dead. People would be happier. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself._

It was really appealing now. Soda hated him. Everybody did. What was the point of living?

He wanted to die. He wanted to die.

_Kill yourself._

He wanted to. He couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want to do it anymore.

How could he live when he knew that he was going to be alone for his entire life? There was no point in living if he was never going to be happy.

No… His life wasn't that bad. Things would get better for him. That's what he told himself, anyway. But he knew that, deep down, it was just that bad. He was just trying to talk himself out of making a stupid decision. How many times had he done that already? Talk himself out of committing suicide? It's been way too many times. He had thought about it every day at least once. Maybe it was time.

_You'll make everybody happy._

That night, while everybody was settling in for the night, Ponyboy sat up, eyes blank. He had to do it. It was what everybody wanted. He had made his decision.

He didn't want to die still. The concept of death scared him. His hands shook as he clawed at his arms which were already covered in preexisting scars from cutting himself in the past.

He didn't want to die. He didn't want to die!

Maybe… Maybe someone could give him some hope to continue going. All he needed was someone to listen to him.

Please…

It was a longshot, but he had to give it a shot.

He stood up, walking out of the bedroom. The first person was Darry. He knocked on his brother's door before entering. Darry was sitting on his bed, looking like he was about to slip under his blankets. "Hey, Darry," Ponyboy asked nervously. He fiddled with his sleeves. "Can I talk to you?"

Darry nodded and Ponyboy let out a breath of relief. He was going to talk him out of it. "Sure, but I need to talk to you first," Darry said, motioning him inside the room. When Ponyboy stood fully inside, he started talking again. However, it wasn't something he wanted to hear at the time. "What you did today was incredibly inappropriate and immature. I'm honestly embarrassed because of you."

What he did… Ponyboy didn't do anything… His mouth went dry. He just wanted someone to talk to. It was the only thing keeping him from going over the cliff.

Ponyboy nodded, looking down at his feet again. His hands were clammy as he wiped them on his pants. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have acted like that…"

"Soda just got back and you're acting like a brat. Grow up, Ponyboy."

"I'm sorry." Darry didn't care about him. He only cared about himself and Soda. There was no point in trying to talk to him. Knowing him, he would twist his words against him. "It'll be better soon, don't worry. I'll make it better for everyone."

"It better." He repositioned himself on the bed, calming down some. "Now, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Ponyboy put up a fake, strained smile. That hollow feeling more prominent than ever. He shook his head. "It's nothing, actually. I forgot what I was going to say. It probably wasn't important."

Darry shrugged. "If you say so… Make sure you go to bed after apologizing to Soda."

He didn't love him. If he loved him, surely, he would have noticed the pain in his eyes and how weak his voice sounded.

"Okay… Goodnight, Darry."

Ponyboy went to Two-Bit next, passing by Soda's door as silently as he could. Two-Bit was sitting on the couch, deciding to stay behind for the night. He looked up when Ponyboy entered the living room.

"Hey, Two-Bit, can I talk to you?" he asked, still a bit hopeful. But, again, he was crushed.

Two-Bit looked at him uncertainly. "I need to go to bed now," he informed him. "I have work early in the morning."

"It's really important though." Please…

"Can it wait?"

Two-Bit too. He didn't want to talk to him just like Darry. Ponyboy put up a fake smile on his face again. "Yeah. Sorry. I'll leave you to go to bed now."

The other greaser grinned. "Thanks. Don't let the bed bugs bite, Pony."

Steve was next but Ponyboy was sure now that it was just going to end up horribly. He was the last person though since he definitely couldn't talk to Soda. He went outside on the porch where Steve was smoking a cigarette.

"Steve, can I talk to you?" he asked, trying to keep his voice as stable as possible.

The other male just looked at him in annoyance. He clicked his tongue. "I don't want to talk to you," he spat, still furious about how Ponyboy was acting the entire day.

"Please? It's really important."

He sighed, turning to him fully. "Alright. Shoot, kid. You can talk until I finish this cigarette."

The sentence took Ponyboy by surprise. His eyes opened wide. Was Steve, of all people, letting him speak? Hope started to wash back in, but there was still a large chance that Steve would be biased towards Soda. But it was still something.

"Soda and I haven't been getting along lately," he started.

Steve rolled his eyes. "I'll say."

"I don't know what to do. I'm going the wrong direction, but everyone keeps pushing me that way. I don't want to go that way, but I don't think I have another choice."

Steve raised up an eyebrow, obviously confused. "What are you talking about? Kid, you're wasting my time."

And just like that, everything shattered. He clenched his hands into fists. "Oh… am I?"

"You kind of are."

"I'm sorry…" That was it. That was everybody. Nobody cared about him. They didn't want to listen to him. Again, he put up the fake smile. "I'll just leave you alone then."

Before Steve could ask any more questions, Ponyboy stood up and walked back to his room. He was better off dead like Soda had said in his letter. He was certain now, he had to go. It was the only way that they would be happier and that was all he wanted.

But… he still was scared of dying…

When everybody was asleep, Ponyboy grabbed his switchblade from his nightstand, flicking it open. The blade gleamed in the light that came from a streetlight. For many minutes, he just stared at it. His heart was beating impossibly fast. He had cut himself before, but, now, he was going to take it a step further.

He had to do it despite how scared he was. It was for the best. He knew that his timing was terrible since he was doing it on the day that Soda got back. It was his day and Ponyboy was going to ruin it. But it wasn't like he hadn't already done so already.

He was going to make a mess, he realized as he pressed the blade against his wrist, not yet cutting through the layer of fragile, pale skin.

Ponyboy took deep breaths, crying without tears. He tried to coax himself that everything was going to be alright. It was only going to be a few more minutes of pain and then everything would be over. But that didn't change the fact that he was still scared.

He took another breath, counting down from three. When he reached one, he pressed the blade harder into his skin until it cut through. Blood pooled out, dripping onto the carpet. Ponyboy let out a cry of pain when he deeply sliced down his arm, blood spewing out now. He sobbed. The pain was like he had stuck his arms in a fire. It hurt so much. He didn't want it to hurt.

_It hurts. It hurts. Make it stop. Stop!_

His face was covered in a thick layer of sweat as he passed the blade over to his other hand. He was trembling so badly now that it was hard to hold the he kept going, nevertheless. Ponyboy pressed down again, sobbing so loudly that the neighbors probably could hear him. He sliced down, more blood spilling everywhere. He was making a huge mess. Darry was going to be pissed.

A wave of dizziness hit Ponyboy and he had to lay down on the carpet to keep himself steady. He dropped the blade, not really seeing the point in making any more cuts. Blood continued to pool out onto the carpet, creating a large red patch. He curled up in a ball, face scrunched up in pain.

_It hurts. Make it stop._

He didn't want to die. He didn't want to go but it was too late now. He was dying.

He cried and cried. Ponyboy was scared of dying. It would have been so much easier if he were to just stop existing… Oh well… He guessed he was achieving it now anyway.

His eyelids started to become heavy as his arms became numb. This was it. This was the end of his book and there was no sequel to his story. He closed his eyes, consciousness slipping from him. Right as he closed his eyes, however, the door slammed open. Someone had found him, but it was too late now.

* * *

* * *

Soda was rudely woken up by the sound of loud crying. It didn't take long to recognize that it was Ponyboy. He growled in annoyance, standing up. He marched over to the other room and slammed the door open. He needed to put an end to this so that he could get some sleep.

"Shut up, Ponyboy! Nobody wants to hear you cry!" he hissed but didn't see his little brother in his bed. He looked down at the floor and felt his world stop. On the floor was an unmoving figure that was surrounded in red. His heart jumped to his throat as he processed the red as blood and the figure as Ponyboy. The hatred and bitterness that he felt towards the younger boy were quickly forgotten as panic replaced it.

He seemed to move in slow motion as he ran over to him. "Ponyboy?" he asked loudly. He shook him, hands becoming covered in red, but there was no reply. Up close, he was able to see the cuts that were littered all over his arms. He yelled out, trying to cover the arms, but blood still seeped through his fingers. He was dying! He couldn't die! "No! Ponyboy! Ponyboy! Don't do this to me! No!"

His screams and sobs alerted everybody in the house and before he knew it, he wasn't alone in the room.

"What happened?" he heard Two-Bit asked which was followed by a hitch of breath. "No…"

"Ponyboy!" Darry screamed, joining Soda's side. Soda picked up Pony, cradling his limp body while still shaking him.

"Holy shit…" Steve whispered.

"Call 911! Call for an ambulance!" Darry ordered and Steve rushed out to do as he was told. He returned soon after.

"Wake up! Ponyboy, wake up!" Soda sobbed, tears falling onto Ponyboy's cheeks.

"So loud…" a weak mumble escaped Ponyboy's lips as he weakly opened his eyes. "Tired…"

Soda instantly grabbed Ponyboy's hand, hugging the boy closer. "Ponyboy, keep your eyes open for me, okay? Don't do this to me." Soda begged. "Don't leave me. Stay awake."

Ponyboy shook his head to the best of his ability. He was too tired to stay awake. "I'm sorry…"

"No. No. No. You're going to be okay. The ambulance is on its way. You're going to be just fine, baby. You're going to be alright. Just stay awake."

Darry was pressing blankets against Pony's arms, but it didn't matter anyway. They all knew that he had lost too much blood. None of them wanted to believe it though. Ponyboy wasn't supposed to die. He couldn't.

"Why?" Soda asked, sniffing. He had to know what brought him over the edge. "Why did you do it?"

"You wanted me too…" came Ponyboy's weak answer. The gang all looked confused at that. What was he talking about? Nobody wanted him to die. How could he think that?

"What are you talking about? I never wanted you to die."

"The note… You said that… You said that the world…" He took a huge, shuttering breath. "The world… was going to better if I was gone… I'm making everything better now…"

Soda's eyes went wide. He recognized that line. It was from the letter that his comrade wrote months ago. It must have gotten mixed up with his letter. It wasn't supposed to go to Ponyboy. This was a mistake and it was all his fault. He was the one who pushed Ponyboy off of the edge.

"I'm sorry... for everything…" Ponyboy felt himself start to slip again, this time for good.

Rapidly shaking his head, Soda screamed, "No! Don't go! I don't want you to go! I didn't write the letter. Someone else did. I—"

His words got caught in his throat when Ponyboy's hand fell limp. His eyes became glossed over and blank as his breathing suddenly stopped.

"No…" Soda sobbed. "No! No! No!"

He shook his brother like a ragdoll, but he didn't wake up after that. Both Steve and Two-Bit had to grab him and pin him down to stop him.

"Soda… he's gone…" Steve tried to reason, petrification clear on his face.

"No! He's just asleep!" Soda yelled as he struggled against their hold. "Ponyboy, wake up! Please, wake up! Don't leave me! Wake up! Make him wake up!"

But nobody moved.

"Please… Ponyboy… Don't go… This wasn't supposed to happen…"

The lights of the ambulances lit up the room and it showed the horror-stricken faces of everyone in the gang. Tears fell from all of their eyes—even Steve's.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to Ponyboy. He was supposed to make it out and live a happy life. He was supposed to be happy and smile for decades.

 _It was all his fault_ , Soda repeated in his head.

"Please… Ponyboy… Wake up…" he begged one more time, but, of course, there was no response.

* * *

* * *

Soda stared with eyes filled with sorrow at the open casket of Ponyboy Curtis. The corpse's face was so pale but… he looked peaceful. It wasn't twisted up in pain anymore. Everyone in the room had left eventually, leaving only Soda in the room. He was supposed to leave as well, but he didn't want to leave Ponyboy again, even if he was gone.

He fished around in his pocket, pulling out a letter that he had written. Ponyboy was never going to read it, so he opened it up himself.

"Ponyboy…" Soda read with puffy eyes. "I'm not too good with words and you know that. You knew a lot of things and I didn't appreciate it enough. You have always been the light in my life. I loved every moment that I had spent with you. You were the best thing that the world had, and you were taken too early from it. This entire time, you've been in pain and I wasn't there for you. I blame myself for this. You dying was my fault… I should have been more careful… But I know that you wouldn't want me to think that way. You always loved it when I smiled so I'll try my best to continue doing so for you. I wish that you were still here with me. I need you by my side like I needed your letters long ago. I can't imagine life without you in it. It won't be the same without you. I wish that I could redo everything so that I could make everything up again, but I know that it's not going to happen. I love you so much. Never forget that. I'll never stop thinking about you. I hope that you'll be there with me forever."

He folded the up, silently tucking it in Ponyboy's hands. He put up a shaky smile because that was what Pony wanted. "Goodbye…" he continued. "Love, your big brother, Sodapop Curtis…"


End file.
